Monday, October 03, 2005

The good, the bad, and the unwatchable

What a nice weekend.

My Yankees won the AL East (yeah, Boston, you beat us on Sunday, but who finished in 2nd, eh?). Danny called me up out of the blue on Saturday and we went to a great party in Hoboken of all places. Sunday was mellow. I worked on some music and did some reading.

I did, however, take in one of the worst movies ever.

I have to say with some embarrassment that I am a fan of Christopher Lambert. Not a raging fan boi by any means, but a fan nonetheless. Highlander will always be a personal favorite. Yes, the sequels are regrettable to say the least (atrocious might be a better word), but they are still strangely entertaining in a car crash kind of way. I've also enjoyed a couple of Lambert's lesser known films (Knight Moves, for example). However, after seeing his 1999 film Beowulf this weekend, I almost wish Highlander had never been made, for were it not for Connor MacLeod, I'd have never become a Lambert fan and would therefore never have watched him as Beo-woof.

This movie sucks.

We're talking a 50 on the 1 to 10 point Suck-O-Meter.

While the flick is blessedly short (a tad over 80 minutes), it is a trial. Lambert is beginning to suffer from the Steven Seagal "I'm old now, so let's do lots of camera tricks to keep me from looking slow and fat" syndrome, so there are countless shots of pointless acrobatics with his face conveniently hidden by a cloak or some such so we don't see it's some stunt guy. There are a bunch of shots that are simply reused over and over. What plot there is is completely paltry and the actors are either completely over the top or just phone it in.

I almost turned it off.

But I have a certain masochistic streak that forces me to watch bad movies to the end. This was a real challenge, however. I’ll steal from Trouser Press and say that watching this movie isn't like banging your head against a wall; it's like banging your head against the side of a swimming pool – underwater.

So do yourself a favor and avoid this stinker like the plague.

Real friends don't let friends watch Beowulf.


Clearing my mental palette:

Frank Sinatra & Tommy Dorsey - Falling In Love With Frank Sinatra & Tommy Dorsey
(a very young Chairman of the Board weaves his magic tones)

Massive Attack - 100th Window
(after dodging this one for a while, I'm finally getting into it)

Coldplay - A Rush Of Blood To The Head
(their lyrics still are awful, but the sound is gorgeous)

Knifehandchop - Rockstopper
(he can stop the rock)

Kid 606 - Kill Sound Before Sounds Kills You
(breakcore hardcore slam madness)

2 Comments:

Blogger ocular spectra said...

sorry ben, you're too late for me. i rented this clunker in 2000 or 2001.

11:56 AM  
Blogger Ben said...

Pretty brutal, eh?

12:55 PM  

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