Get the fuck outta Dodge

The saga of Pastor Ted continues. The Overseers of the New Life Church have told their former pastor to hit the bricks. "For the sake of Ted's restoration, it is best for him to move out of Colorado Springs," said Rev. Larry Stockstill.

And don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Although the Overseers have spent months aiding Ted in his "battle with a dark side", it appears they've had enough of him. And while they read a letter to their congregation reassuring them Haggard is being "rehabilitated", he's gonna have to do it somewhere else now. But apparently, there's some payoff for Ted.

Literally.

The church has given him a financial settlement (the exact details of which were not disclosed). "This act of Christian love will provide professional care, counseling and the financial support they need to continue in their journey of recovery."

Counseling?
Professional care?

Yes, Brothers and Sisters, if we all pray together real hard, we can cure poor Pastor Ted of the gay.

Unbelievable.

These folks see homosexuality as some sort of mental disease that, given the right treatment, can be controlled. Just ridiculous.

I have visions of Haggard strapped to a chair, eyes pried open a la "Clockwork Orange", while some busty Hooters chick gives him a lap dance. Over his cries of horror we can hear good ol' Larry Stockwell reassuring, "It's for your own good, Teddy. Titties are your friends. And, by the way, we're paying for this one."

Viddy well, little brother. Viddy well.


In truth, I feel sorry for Haggard. The confusion and pain he and his family must be going through is no doubt truly horrific.

But imagine a world where none of this would have happened; a world of tolerance. No need to lie. No need to hide. No need to apologize. No "treatments", no "cures", no "dark sides". Just love between people and no hysteria about what parts go where and with whom.

A pipedream, I know, but a nice pipedream nonetheless.

Regardless, let us hope that this particular "expulsion from paradise" will bring Ted to his senses and get him to a point where he can tell the New Life Church and anybody else who thinks it's their business who he screws to fuck off. It's not their life, it's his and he should be able to live it as such. Then maybe he could find love without the guilt.

And without the price tag.

More pansy-assed tunes:

Armin Van Buuren - 10 Years
(spiraling ever upward and outward)

Various - Salon Oriental - Oriental Downtempo Escapade
(willin' to be chillin')

Various - The White Cliffs Of Dover
('cause I was born too late)

Various - Code Orange Relaxation Techniques
(dub organizer supreme)

Various - Nirvana Lounge
('cause I'm still a down low ho)