Get the fuck outta Dodge

The saga of Pastor Ted continues. The Overseers of the New Life Church have told their former pastor to hit the bricks. "For the sake of Ted's restoration, it is best for him to move out of Colorado Springs," said Rev. Larry Stockstill.

And don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

Although the Overseers have spent months aiding Ted in his "battle with a dark side", it appears they've had enough of him. And while they read a letter to their congregation reassuring them Haggard is being "rehabilitated", he's gonna have to do it somewhere else now. But apparently, there's some payoff for Ted.

Literally.

The church has given him a financial settlement (the exact details of which were not disclosed). "This act of Christian love will provide professional care, counseling and the financial support they need to continue in their journey of recovery."

Counseling?
Professional care?

Yes, Brothers and Sisters, if we all pray together real hard, we can cure poor Pastor Ted of the gay.

Unbelievable.

These folks see homosexuality as some sort of mental disease that, given the right treatment, can be controlled. Just ridiculous.

I have visions of Haggard strapped to a chair, eyes pried open a la "Clockwork Orange", while some busty Hooters chick gives him a lap dance. Over his cries of horror we can hear good ol' Larry Stockwell reassuring, "It's for your own good, Teddy. Titties are your friends. And, by the way, we're paying for this one."

Viddy well, little brother. Viddy well.


In truth, I feel sorry for Haggard. The confusion and pain he and his family must be going through is no doubt truly horrific.

But imagine a world where none of this would have happened; a world of tolerance. No need to lie. No need to hide. No need to apologize. No "treatments", no "cures", no "dark sides". Just love between people and no hysteria about what parts go where and with whom.

A pipedream, I know, but a nice pipedream nonetheless.

Regardless, let us hope that this particular "expulsion from paradise" will bring Ted to his senses and get him to a point where he can tell the New Life Church and anybody else who thinks it's their business who he screws to fuck off. It's not their life, it's his and he should be able to live it as such. Then maybe he could find love without the guilt.

And without the price tag.

More pansy-assed tunes:

Armin Van Buuren - 10 Years
(spiraling ever upward and outward)

Various - Salon Oriental - Oriental Downtempo Escapade
(willin' to be chillin')

Various - The White Cliffs Of Dover
('cause I was born too late)

Various - Code Orange Relaxation Techniques
(dub organizer supreme)

Various - Nirvana Lounge
('cause I'm still a down low ho)

Quick pics

Underwater photography is extremely tricky, so I was really psyched to hear from Marti that her Roatan pics came out really well. Sure, she took over a hundred beautiful pictures, but I'm a vain, selfish guy, so I posted the ones of Susan and me.

Aren't I a stinker?

Aquaphonics:

The Red Chord - Fused Together In Revolving Doors
(gonna pull out your eye and show it to you)

Underworld - Second Toughest In The Infants
(epic technics)

Various - Code Orange Relaxation Technique
(primo downtempo from Properly Chilled)

Madeleine Peyroux - Dreamland
(love dis lady)

Armin Van Buuren - Shivers
(heart pounding, soaring trance)

Silver screenin'

As I'm a dedicated movie junkie, I am, of course, a devoted follower of Theater Hopper, a great webcomic created by a guy who's even more of a movie buff than me (or even Danny?!?!). Anyway, his latest comments mentioned "Hannibal Rising", "Ghost Rider", and "Norbit", so I had to throw in my two cents.

"Hannibal Rising"? I'd rather eat broken glass (with a nice Chianti...). From what I've seen of the previews, it puts aside all of the brilliant psychological aspects of "Silence Of The Lambs" and just goes with the psycho aspects: gore, gore, and then some gore.

If I want that, I'll rent a Fulci flick, thanks.

As for "Ghost Rider", I'll end up seeing it one way (big screen) or another (little screen). I'm too much of a Nick Cage fan to skip it (heck, I own "Kiss Of Death"), not to mention a comic mark as well. Yes, the effects look shockingly cheesy, but in a way, that adds to the comic-y feel of the thing. Add to that Pete Fonda, Donal "I'm gonna be a naughty vampire god" Logue, and SAM ELLIOTT? Sure, it will probably suck, but it sure will be fun while it's doing it.

(PS. Is it just me or does Fonda put in an incredible Lance Henriksen impression during the trailer?)

"Norbit"... pass. Murphy lost me a long time ago. I love his early stand up ("Raw" still has me in tears every time) and I thought he was great as Axel F. To some, it's blasphemy, but I think "Harlem Nights" is a classic. However, I started losing interest around the release of "Nutty Professor". After all, one can't expect to remake a Jerry Lewis movie without adverse side effects.

Still, I'm sure the movie will rake it a fair amount of bank. He's still got the star power to ensure at least moderate success for any project he hitches his particular trailer to. Haven't seen "Dream Girls" yet, but it appears he does garner a bit of forgiveness and redemption for it.

In all, I think 2007 is going to be a bit of a slow roller at first. However, once summer hits, who knows?

Soundtracks for the deaf:

Main$tream - Truck Drivin Muzak
(noise boyz)

Litmus001 - Bliss
(snooze boyz)

Lard - Power Of Lard
(Jello loves Al and Al loves Jello; it's a beautiful thing)

Madeleine Peyroux - Dreamland
(one part Billie, one part KD, add some Patsy, shake well)

Lackluster - Distance
(yet another mellow fellow)

What so prudely we hail

People complain to the NFL about being offended by Prince's "phallic" shadow on the backdrop during his Stupid Bowl performance.

A woman complains that she finds her next door neighbor's "busty mermaid silhouettes" offensive.

Another woman complains to a Florida theater that she's offended by their listing of "The Vagina Monologues" on their marquee. The theater subsequently re-titles it "The Hoohah Monologues".

What the hell is happening to us? When did this country become populated by prudes? Has it always been this way? Did I miss a memo or something?

It still fascinates me that people can get their panties in such a twist over sex. Anything remotely sexual is just so shocking to them. Violence, however, is just fine. Put guys in body armor and have them slam into each other over a pigskin; no problem. Flood the airwaves with "America's Most Shocking Videos"; it's a hit. Horror movies are still a mainstay of Hollywood. I could go on and on.

It's so ridiculous.

"But this kind of early exposure to sex harms children. It contributes to the moral decay of our society," they whinge.

Fuck that.

Japanese culture is absolutely saturated with sex, yet they have some of the lowest crime rates in the world (not to mention the fact the longest lifespans).

Are we still so rooted in our Puritan beginnings that we continue to be ludicrously sensitive to anything sexual? It disgusts me. It makes me angry. Of all the things to get offended by, why this? I guess I'm blind for the most part, as I live in one of those heathen, liberal cities, but doesn't it seem like there are more important things to address?

I blame religion and its demonizing of sex. I blame government, as it also demonizes sex (sex ed is still a hot topic, no?). I blame stupid people... 'cause they're stupid. I blame America because we don't have our heads on straight. Sure, we're the most powerful country in the world, but we're also one of the most uptight and mockable.

Audio porno:

Sven Vath - L'Esperanza
(blowing the dust off an old dancer)

Swans - Filth
(flex your muscles)

Rasputina - Cabin Fever
(wonderful world of weird)

Hallucinogen - Twisted
(LSD in CD form)

Nile - Annihilation Of The Wicked
(the rain that will come and wash all the scum off the streets)

Not my daddy

Seems one of our enlightened elected officials has introduced legislation that will ban the use of electronic devices while crossing the street. Yes, gone are the days when you were expected to "look both ways". Now, should you survive, you will be handed a $100 fine. Apparently New York State Senator Carl Kruger thinks we're too clueless to fend for ourselves anymore. He's upset that three pedestrians in his district have been hit and killed since September, each of them plugged in at the time.

"Government has an obligation to protect its citizenry," Kruger told CNN. "This electronic gadgetry is reaching the point where it's becoming not only endemic but it's creating an atmosphere where we have a major public safety crisis at hand."

Five words for you, Carl: From My Cold, Dead Hands.

Don't you touch my Discman, boy! The only reason I haven't committed mass murder by now is because of this helpful little gadget. Sure, maybe it's antisocial, but in an environment like New York City, it's a must-have.

As for those folks who don't pay attention to what's going on around them?

How is it any different that what people act like most of the time? Most humans are innately oblivious anyway. Perhaps we should encourage more people to plug in and tune out. Reduce the surplus population through the combined powers of music and fast moving traffic.

Treat me like an adult. I take responsibility for my actions as soon as I step out into the world. I don't need the government to make sure I don't hurt myself. That's my job.

"Gonna run you down, bitches!"


When I get hit by the bus, I will be listening to:

Slayer - Reign In Blood
(which will cause the bus to bounce right off me)

Wynton Marsalis - The Midnight Blues
(slinky, smoky sexy)

Various - Spintrax 19
(pounding trance and progressive house)

Marilyn Manson - Mechanical Animals
(because you too can steal from David Bowie and Pink Floyd)

Armin Van Buuren - Shivers
(a damn near perfect collection)